Your 13-year old daughter (nickname: Paris) loves to spend several days a week at the mall with her friends. But, lately her little shopping excursions have made you feel like an ATM, and one that is running out of $20.00 bills.
“No more money,” you say to yourself. “She doesn’t need anymore clothes or jewelry or iPod stuff, even if she begs,” you think. If she asks you again, you are definitely going to put your foot down. No more promises of her “doing extra chores” to pay you back – she never does.
Sure enough, your daughter comes to you not an hour later asking for more. “Mom, Jill and her mom are taking me to the mall to get me those hot, new sandals for school. I need just $100.00. The shoes cost only $95 and everyone has them. I can’t be the only one without them. Everyone would laugh at me. Please, please. I know we have the money. Daddy says I’m his “princess” and that he loves when I’m happy getting new things. We’re rich, Mom, and I know you just bought that new $1400 bag from Saks. I just HAVE to have these shoes. Please. I’ll do the dishes for a week. Please!”
WWMJMD?:
Doesn’t it always amaze you how a little situation like this can wreak havoc in your house? Or, on your parenting skills? We know that the simple answer is “No" yet, it’s really not that easy. Do you want your teenager fuming at you for a week? Do you want her telling all her friends who will tell all their mothers that you’re an ogre? And, the social pressures in our materialistic society are pretty strong, especially if you happen to live in a town where following fashion and beauty trends are de rigeur. Do you really want to make it even harder for your child, socially?
So, what’s a mother to do? You can:
1. Just let her buy the shoes and make her promise not to ask you for any more money for a while (2 weeks, a month, whatever).
2. Just say no! Enough is enough. No explanation necessary.
3. Say no, but recognize the absolute need to introduce the concept of tzedakah to your daughter (and other children) and husband and start teaching them that being privileged has other rewards.
Option 1 will cause the least amount of short-term damage in the house, and will make your daughter happy. But, you need to stick to what you told her – no more money for a while. She will kiss you and hug you and tell you that you’re the “best,” and that feels pretty darn good. After all, you can afford the shoes.
Option 2 is tough love but long overdue. Hold your ground with this option and tell her the “Bank of Mom” is officially closed. “Because I said so,” is a great response when she screams “why not????”.
Option 3, the old WWMJMD hybrid, is the one requiring much effort on your part. You have to deal with your extremely angry teenager, and you have to learn what to teach your kids about saving, giving back and sharing. It’s the “feel-good” option, but your daughter will not see that for a while.
The concepts of tzedakah (charity, or giving assistance or aid and money to those in need) and tikkun olam (helping to repair or perfect the world) are deeply rooted in Judaism.
And, it’s not uncommon for families to give back. Don’t think it’s just for the rich or Hollywood-types. In 2006, 90% of Americans gave to charity. 90%! Wow! (When I came across that seemingly bloated statistic, I wanted to ignore it, but when I read that the folks at Gallup conducted the survey, I believed!)
But, it’s one thing to say, “we’re going to do good,” and another thing to actually do it. Where do you begin? How do you talk to your kids about giving money or giving time? If your kids are little, are they really going to understand? And, how do you make it more than a one-time thing?
Kids as little as babies can be touched by the practice of tzedakah. You can donate money or toys in your child’s name on their birthday. When they get old enough to realize what it means (maybe at 5), ask them to choose some of their gifts to donate and then at 7, bring him/her with you when you drop them off at the hospital, homeless shelter, or wherever you choose. Show your children what YOU do, and they’ll realize that helping others is a part of your whole family’s life.
When you give them allowance, ask them to set aside a portion in a “tzedakah box.” If they are old enough, help them research an organization that supports those in need. Maybe your daughter loves dogs? Why not find an animal shelter near you, and have her donate some dog food, or blankets, or just the money she has saved. She will then see exactly where her “help” is going. That connection leaves a lasting impression.
Maybe, get your whole family to pitch in and pick an organization to support – each member can pick their own charity and all of you will rotate through your support of them throughout the year.
Don’t be overwhelmed. Just start small and check out the web for many great resources, such as these:
www.youthgive.org (youth volunteer programs in several states)
www.charitynavigator.org (lists worthy charities across the globe)
www.care.org (world hunger program)
www.stjude.org (kids with cancer center)
www.hsus.org (humane society)
www.womenforwomen.org (helping women in war zones survive)
www.markmakers.org (a site where kids can donate to a host of orgs.)
And, as for your clothes-horse daughter, help her clean out her closet and take her to an organization like Stand Up for Kids (www.standupforkids.org) to donate her clothes. You do the same and maybe find a women’s shelter in need. (www.charityguide.org)
Just remember, the practice of helping those who cannot help themselves is not only a mitzvah but a privilege in itself. You will feel better about yourself, and your children will develop a life-long interest in doing good – not because it’s fashionable or trendy, but because it’s the right thing to do and it makes them feel good about themselves.
Comments? Scenario ideas you are interested in solving? Send your thoughts to me at jennifer@modernjewishmom.com.
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