It is 9:45 pm on a school night. Your fifth grader is at the kitchen table struggling to complete his math class project which is due first thing the next morning. He has several hours left to go and can barely keep his eyes open. He just called (read: yelled) for you to help him finish the project – “Please, Mom,” he pleads. You are frustrated that he saved such an important assignment for the last minute, but it turns out he has already completed over ninety minutes of homework since he came home from baseball practice.
You could finish the work in a heartbeat and let him get some a much-needed, good night’s sleep. He really needs the rest; after all, you are headed to a far-away, family wedding in two days. Plus…you know that he has a head for numbers and would definitely understand the work.
WWMJMD?:
Solutions to such a quandary are often trivialized. “What’s the big deal,” parents think. “It’s not like I can’t explain it to him in the morning.” “He won’t miss out on becoming Einstein if I lend a hand.”
And, as with most parent/child/schoolwork problems, there are a host of recognizable, extenuating factors that influence your solution:
- Are the nightly homework assignments too burdensome?
- Did your child stay up late the night before playing Wii? PSP? Watching the ballgame?
- Did he start the “biggest” project too late at night? Maybe it was assigned three weeks ago?
- Are too many extracurriculars “fighting” for his time?
As parents, we look at opportunities to teach life lessons to our children as gifts. In this seemingly innocuous dilemma, there is a huge lesson, and one deeply rooted in Judaic traditions. It may cause distress in the short term, but will undoubtedly enable your child to begin a path toward an adult life filled with self-reliance, a strong sense of integrity, and a deep respect for knowledge.
So, what are the options? You can:
- complete the assignment for him;
- make him stay up until the work is finished; or
- jointly prepare a note for the teacher – one that explains, not excuses, the incomplete work and then requests an extension.
Option 1 (‘do his work’) is by far the easiest one in terms of time commitment and level of stress, but not guilt. For the ‘helicopter’ mom (you know who you are), who constantly hovers over her child; sweeping in to fix all messes and control all lives – this is just a part of your daily routine. But, for the good-ol' regularly overburdened mom, this is a guilt-riddled decision that on one hand affords your child a decent night’s sleep and a clean school homework record, but on the other, adds another layer of torment to your already overwrought “motherhood” conscience.
Option 2 (‘he stays up and finishes the work’) will probably be your child’s least favorite option. He will whine, complain, tell you that you are a “horrible” mom and let you know that his best pal Joshua’s mom does his homework when it’s late. But, you believe in the old adage that you “make your bed, so you have to lie in it.” What will he ever learn if you do everything for him? Tough love, some say, but really it’s about fostering an environment of responsibility and accountability. You will have to deal with an exhausted 10-year old on the plane ride, but the alternative of completing his work is not acceptable to you as it sends the wrong message.
Option 3 (‘joint note for teacher’) is, in a way, a compromise. (And, who’s kidding whom - what would WWMJMD be without such a well thought-out third option using the traditions of Judaism as a guide??)
To make things clear, this option is not about giving your child an excuse to turn in an incomplete assignment. The letter you prepare together (he should hand-write it, though) will offer a short explanation to the teacher, present a genuine apology, and request a one-day extension. But, that is not all. In addition, you must explain to your son that this is not a regular option – only a one-time deal – and, he will need to wake up at least 20 minutes early the next morning to try and complete more of the assignment. Prepare him that the teacher may give him a “zero” anyway, or deduct points from the final grade. Either way, your child will have taken ownership of his situation.
Why, you ask, is this option even an option? Our faith teaches us to ask questions and seek out answers for ourselves, which is one of the main reasons that we, as Jews, place such a high premium on education. (It is not just to allow us to brag that “little David got into Harvard.”) When we ask questions, we are forced to think deeper, to truly understand a problem, to truly comprehend a situation. And, when we push ourselves to seek out answers to questions, we learn how to learn, we learn how to teach and we learn how to accomplish extraordinary things. In other words--we cannot and should not simply give our children the answers, as Jewish mothers, we need to teach them to learn the answers themselves.
Now, I don’t mean that by doing so all our children will solve medical mysteries, or create master works of art or fly to Jupiter, but perhaps, they will learn the (I’m sticking with our math theme from the scenario) concepts of long division and even fractions. (Don’t laugh; you know you use fractions practically every day, and not just in cooking!)
Does this all mean you need to push your child to become a brilliant mathematician? No! But, you help him make the right decisions now so he will be able equipped to make intelligent, well-thought out, and reasonable decisions in the future (without you). If you continue to spoon-feed your son the answers, or just do everything for him, you will help him to develop into a young adult with low self-worth, no sense of responsibility and no creative confidence.
We all know the saying, “if you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day, but if you teach him to fish, he will eat forever.” (A shout-out to our Christian brethren for that one!) So, teach your child to fish. He will thank you for it later.
Comments? Scenario ideas you are interested in solving? Send your thoughts to me at jennifer@modernjewishmom.com.
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