Your dear friend, from out of town, has invited your family to her son’s Bar Mitzvah – Saturday morning services, big dinner dance, Sunday brunch- the works. She also wants you to have a special aliyah – dressing the Torah.
The big weekend is coming up, and the weather forecast is for hot, muggy days. You have your formal dress all packed, but are unsure about what to wear to services. Your daughters want to wear sleeveless dresses, and your husband doesn’t want to wear a tie. You have a terrific pant suit that would be perfect (and would eliminate the need for hose), but you just can’t decide. You just got your hair done, so a hat is out of the question.
Does it really matter what you wear to shul? It’s not a fashion show, after all.
WWMJMD?:
A Modern Jewish Mom needs to consider a number of factors before choosing a “shul” outfit for herself and making suggestions to her family members. These include, but are not limited to the:
1) norms of the shul;
2) reason for attendance; and
3) temperature outside and climate control inside the shul.
This used to be an easy matter, but in the past few years, synagogue dress codes have been relaxed; especially in the Southwestern U.S. Congregants in Reform temples can now wear very casual attire. In the Midwest and Northeast, clothing has remained a bit more conservative, but even that is shifting.
Let’s discuss each factor.
Is the Bar Mitzvah at a Reform shul? Conservative? (Because of your aliyah, we assume you will not be attending an Orthodox temple). Does that particular temple frown on pants for women?
Finding answers to these questions is pretty simple – you can ask your friend (who is probably swamped with a billion Bar Mitzvah details to handle), or you can just choose your outfit based on the old credo – “it is ALWAYS better to over dress than under dress.” Now, that does not mean you have to wear all your bling and a cocktail dress to services. But, it does mean that you will need to cover your head (hat or shmatta – you know, the little lacey thing that looks like a doily and can be found right outside a sanctuary next to the bin of black, satin yarmulkes) before you step up on the bimah and you must cover your shoulders. To be honest, you and your daughters should skip the sleeveless dresses.
You may want to “dress to impress” the crowd or dress to “beat the awful heat,” but you should be dressing properly because of where you are and what you will be doing. That said, a Modern Jewish Mom will not dress in a completely different manner because it is a “little warm” or because it’s only “services.” An MJM will ultimately dress “right” because she will be in a house of worship and wants to be respectful- end of story.
Being more formal may feel constricting to some, but you don’t attend services every day. It is special to be in a sanctuary; to pray and worship with others. For that reason, you should not dress in the casual way you can do on a daily basis.
However, there is a caveat: your friend may specifically tell you that her shul is more casual – that you should NOT dress too formally – that she is foregoing panty hose and the like. In that case, your decision is a bit more difficult. On the one hand, you do not want to offend your friend and her friends by dressing too conservatively. Perhaps their shul has relaxed their informal “dress codes” in order to attract more members, or because the climate warrants. Listen to your heart and dress as respectfully as possible.
While it may be roasting outside, the climates inside most synagogues are quite comfortable. Air conditioning systems are typically set to “arctic” levels when sanctuaries are full. So, the only time it should be hot is during your walk from the car.
That being said, we can’t always assume that all cooling systems will function on unseasonably hot days. So, avoid wool!
A suggestion: double up on the deodorant and carry your jacket through the parking lot. Put on your coat on your way into the synagogue.
We are truly blessed to live in communities where we can safely and freely observe our Judaism. Others around the world are not so lucky. So, treat this opportunity as such – consider it holy and special. Respect where you are, cover your shoulders, and get lost in your religion for a few hours- celebrating the beauty and sacredness of a Bar Mitzvah service.
You may not agree with this traditional approach to dressing, but I hope this Modern Jewish Mom has given you food for thought.
(One more thing: don’t forget to plan ahead. Please do not wait until the morning of the Bar Mitzvah service to choose your outfit. And, help your children the day before as well. Trust me.)
Comments? Scenario ideas you are interested in solving? Send your thoughts to me at jennifer@modernjewishmom.com.
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