It is an early Sunday morning in mid-October and you have a dilemma. Your 11-year old daughter has Religious School at 9:00 am. She also has a soccer game scheduled for 9:30 am. You know how much she loves to play center, and she really has talent. Coach says she may even make the travel team. As for Religious School, she considers it a “chore.” Her friends complain about it as well. She already attends school every Tuesday evening.
WWMJMD?:
This is a very common situation faced by families around the world… athletic and other secular activity schedules conflicting with Shabbat services on Saturdays or Hebrew/Religious school on Sundays.
The situation is far from dire, but it can cause angry and hurt feelings, anxiety and even tears.
Let’s now look at the seemingly only 2 available options in the above scenario; option 1: forgo religious school and attend the game or option 2: go to school and skip the game.
Option 1: Play soccer
Many would agree that Option 1 seems like the easy choice. Your daughter already loves the game and dislikes going to school. At soccer she gets great exercise, learns how to be a true team player and builds self confidence. What is not to like? The coach preaches discipline, conditioning and fair play – all valuable building blocks for a healthy adult life. You also love cheering her on – in fact, the whole family gets involved. And, after all, her Bat Mitzvah isn’t for 18 more months. She has plenty of time to learn, right?
But, choosing the game may put stress on you. Weren’t you the one who wanted her to get a Jewish education? It certainly doesn’t come cheap. You may even remember pleading with your parents on Sunday mornings many years ago; “please don’t make me go,” you’d shout. But, you may also remember that once you got to school, you actually liked it. Learning Hebrew and studying the Torah helped make Judaism more meaningful.
Option 2: Religious School it is
Perhaps Option 2 is an easier choice for you. Your daughter may really be upset with you. She’ll remind you that Coach says she is a future “star.” But, you remind her, she made a commitment to attend school, and not just when she feels like it. Religious school teaches values in which you believe; integrity, honoring your family and self, building a better world, continuing to learn.
Those are all great things, no? It isn’t just about Torah stories. It isn’t just about believing in G-d. It is deeper, more spiritual, more meaningful, and it will make an impact on her forever.
Yes, there may be tears, slammed doors and angry words. Who wants that on a nice Sunday morning? Your husband reminds you that she is on the verge of teenager hood and the drama in the house is already escalating. So, maybe this option 2 isn’t so great after all.
Hybrid Option
In this situation, neither option is ideal. In fact, when you get right down to it, both options seem pretty unappealing. That is why a Modern Jewish Mom would think about a third option – the hybrid!
This hybrid option not only creates a more sensible solution, it actually involves your daughter in the decision-making process. (And, a Modern Jewish Mom never misses an opportunity to help her child grow and become more responsible!)
Here is how it works – at the beginning of the Fall term, when you receive your Hebrew/Religious School and soccer schedules, you need to sit down with your daughter and talk about the issues. This is not going to be a simple task – after all, you can not foresee every circumstance. For example, you won’t necessarily be able to identify “movie day” at the school or a soccer game in which the opposing team may forfeit for lack of players.
But, you can try your best to formulate a plan. If there is a conflict between soccer and school, make a choice now (not 10 minutes before the game), and then look for alternative ways in which to honor both commitments. If your daughter chooses soccer over Religious School on a particular Sunday, suggest that she go with you to a Saturday Shabbat morning service or even a Friday night service that week or next. In that way, you are not making one activity more valuable than the other, and in that way, you are honoring both your religious and secular commitments. If she chooses Torah School over soccer, perhaps you could make an extra trip to the park one day to practice those corner kicks, or spend an extra half hour before dinner dribbling in the back yard.
Your daughter will respect you for allowing her to help make such an important decision, and you will create peace in your household on those weekend mornings. You, Modern Jewish Mom, will continue to teach your child valuable life lessons – 1) compromise is good and necessary and 2) honoring commitments often takes a lot of planning and effort, but will pay off in myriad ways in the long run.
Comments? Scenario ideas you are interested in solving? Send your thoughts to me at jennifer@modernjewishmom.com.
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