I just read a fascinating article that was published in Philadelphia Magazine (Sept. 2007). My mom sent it to me. No, it wasn't a hint from her about my parenting--she thought it would make for a great topic for my radio show (actually a really good idea!)
The writer, Tom McGrath, writes "We give our kids everything and ask for nothing in return. Is it a shock that they're clueless and entitled?"
"There was a time when parenting was a simple job. Not east, but fairly straightforward: You had kids, you provided them with food, clothes, shelter, an education, and a decent sense of right and wrong, then you pushed them out into the world, hoping that at the very least they wouldn't be a burden on society.
"Unfortunately, evidence is steadily mounting that The Way We Parent Now--roughly defined as giving your child as much opportunity and attention as possible, while requiring little from him or her in return--is turning out to be something of a disaster, at least in terms of producing, you know, well-adjusted, contributing human beings. For starts, a good chunk of kids...seems to be wilting under pressure from parents to achieve....Meanwhile, the need to succeed has other kids so stressed that they're literally getting sick."
The article, titled "Bad Parents" goes on to talk about the pressure we place on our children to do better than we did--prenatally aiming for Harvard (and the like). Kids either make themselves sick in the pursuit of their parents' dreams or give up--feeling like there's no way they can live up to the expectations so why bother trying.
And, what shocked me is when McGrath writes that parents today are so focused on helping their children achieve success, we forget to teach them manners. In previous generations, parents didn't hesitate to tell a child he or she acted improperly. Now it's all about "Honey, do you think that was a good choice or a bad choice?" It's too weak a response and as a result, we're not giving our children strong, clear messages about morals and values and ethics. We may be raising future Ivy Leaguers, but are we raising children with character?
In our quest to give our children everything, are we, in fact, giving them nothing?
Of course, you know what I'm going to say here--this is why I push Shabbat. Think about the opportunity we have one day a week. No school, no work. The focus is on what truly matters. And, isolate the opportunities in the dinner. McGrath writes that we no longer teach our children manners--well, how about having a nice dinner every Friday, where children have to sit politely and wait for prayers to be recited before digging in to the food, where conversation is almost more important than the meal. And this is why I go on and on about the value of bringing the parsha into the Friday night meal--here is our chance to speak to our children about values, teach them about ethics. We are so very fortunate to have this tradition! Let's use it to help us re-focus. Yes, we all want our children to succeed, but not at the expense of having them grow up to be people of character. Success and goodness are not mutually exclusive. Let's not forget to truly prepare our children for the world as we prepare them for college.
I want to share with you an email I received from Heidi Budaj, the Director for Jewish Life and Learning at the JCC of Metropolitan Detroit (btw--I'm speaking there on Nov. 14!). I am always inspired by "success" stories like hers:
I grew up having Shabbat dinner every Friday night. We were allowed to go out on Fridays, but had to be home for dinner. We included our friends and we all loved it. I continued this tradition with my own children. We always made Friday night dinner very special and included friends of the family and the kids invited their friends.
When I got divorced I made the decision to continue this tradition as a single parent. I invited other families and my children's' friends were always welcome. By the time they reached High School, all of their friends looked forward to every Shabbat dinner. In fact, when my oldest was 16 years old, there was a Friday that I did not make Shabbat dinner because my current husband's office party was that night. I was in the car with my daughter when her friend called to check on the time for that week's dinner. When my daughter told her it wasn't happening, the response was, "What do you mean there's so Shabbat dinner?!" These were beautiful, popular girls and they would rather be at a Shabbat dinner than out partying. One time when I was out of town, my younger daughter and her friends walked to the market and bought food, then cooked Shabbat dinner for themselves and their male friends. This was a routine that my kids have really depended on. They are busy so much of the time with school and activities, this is a much-needed respite in their lives.
Now, my oldest is a freshman at U. of Wisconsin. She is taking a Jewish studies class. She is also taking a regular communications/speech class. Her latest assignment for that class was to give a speech informing the class about any interesting subject. She wrote her speech about Shabbat. She began with the prayer over the candles in Hebrew and finished with the translation of that prayer. She took in challah, a havdallah candle, a Kiddush cup, candle sticks and Shabbat candles. This re-affirms the importance of passing on this tradition to our children.
In closing, I know that all 27 of the kids who regularly attended my Shabbat dinners will continue that tradition - they will certainly do this in their own homes. We look at fancy curricula, and other fixes for the continuity issues facing American Jews today. I think we should just go back to the basics - create good memories of Shabbat and the holidays
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