It is a difficult lesson to learn let alone teach.
How honest are we supposed to be?
American culture values honesty as exemplified by presidential luminaries George “I cannot tell a lie” Washington and “Honest Abe” Lincoln. Rabbinic tradition as well teaches about the importance of honesty.
Recently, our seven year old son came home from school with the following story:
David is very mad at me. I told him that I returned his birthday gift and got something else. I know that you and Daddy told me not to say anything but I can’t keep a secret.
Benjamin was very, very disturbed that his school chum was so upset. When asked why he shared this information with David, Ben said “it’s the truth. I did return it. You didn’t want me to lie, did you?”
According to a recent study at Penn State University, 98% of the teens surveyed have lied to their parents. Teens who also responded that they believe that lying is morally wrong.
Lying is so pervasive that one can actually specialize in children’s lying behaviour. Dr. Victoria Talwar of McGill University points out that “lying is related to intelligence.” Creating a falsehood requires more advanced thinking than telling the truth. So learning to lie is considered “a developmental milestone.”
Terrific. The blessing of intelligence means dishonesty. And kids who learn to lie at an early age will continue to lie when given the chance. Whether to avoid punishement, increase social standing, or assert control, lying is a strategy that all children will employ. And most disturbing is that most kids learn to lie from their parents.
Think about it. A telemarketer calls the house and we instruct our child to say that you are not at home. Having a child claim to be eleven years old at the movie theatre in order to pay less for the ticket. Claiming nature and not our hair stylist had something to do with our hair colour. It is no wonder that our children are able to smoothly navigate social situations when they have observed such wonderful teachers.
Often regarded as “white lies,” the above examples really do teach that dishonesty for convenience is acceptable when in fact it is morally and ethically wrong. “Keep far from a false charge” instructs God in Exodus(23:7). One lie really does lead to another so it is a good rule-of-thumb to avoid lying whenever possible. The Rabbis go a step further in the Talmud (Berechot 4a) by telling us “teach your tongue to say, ‘I don’t know,’ lest you be caught in a lie.” By admitting when we don’t know something rather than reaching for a plausible explanation, we model proper behaviour.
What happens when telling the truth is apt to cause pain to another person? For example, is it wrong to instruct our children to be polite when opening gifts by saying that they like the present even if they really don’t? Judaism is clear – yes! When a lie will keep the peace or preserve dignity, it is permitted. “Great is peace, seeing that for its sake even God modified the truth” as we read in the Babylonian Talmud (Yevamot 65b). Yes, even the Holy One fibbed in order to preserve Abraham’s dignity. When Sarah overheard God’s messenger telling Abraham that she would have a son, “Sarah laughed to herself, saying, ‘Now that I am withered, am I to have enjoyment – with my husband so old?’” Instead of repeating the precise exchange, God shifts Sarah’s disbelief from Abraham’s ability to give pleasure to her unlikely ability to bear a child in her later years. “Then God said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh, saying “Shall I in truth bear a child, hold as I am?’” (Genesis 18:12-13).
Our reaction to our kids’ explanations and answers often give great insight about how we feel about honesty. By demanding the truth from them, we sometimes inadvertently place our children in the position of lying. “Who drew with orange crayon in the backseat of my new van?” Since Lilly (our 4 year old) is the only one who sits in the “way back,” there was no need to ask the question. Lilly, fearing the punishment, came up with some entertaining responses. None of which were believable. Instead entrapping her, a better tactic might have been to remind her that crayons are for paper and teach her how to use Mr. Clean’s Magic Eraser.
Rivster is a young, hip, mother-of-three, living in California. As the Associate Rabbi of Congregation B'nai Tzedek (www.cbtfv.org), she is one-half of the first father-daughter Rabbinic team to serve a congregation. Read her wonderful blog Frume Sarah's World and get to know her better on the MJM Social Network!
Do you have questions for our MJM Rabbi? Email us at meredith@modernjewishmom.com.
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