Being a mom, and observing other mothers, I've come to a realization.  There are two kinds of moms:

a)           Those that kvetch

                    and

b)           Those that do NOT kvetch

 

The ones that do NOT kvetch are...how shall I say this...LYING. 

Let me explain...

 

Sleep

Non Kvetcher:  “My wonderful boy, he's 3-month-old now.  He's sleeping through the night.  Oh, he's been doing it for weeks.” 

WHAAATTT!  Just admit it – You're dead tired.  You're a walking zombie. 

You're LYING!

 

Kvetcher: (Also known as Me):  Honestly, I have not slept through the night since my children were born.  They are now 7 and 5.  The black rings under my eyes are a permanent fixture.  No amount of make-up will help.  If I ever decide to play major league baseball on a sunny day, I'm all set.

 

              My children have great excuses why they must wake me every night.  They have bad dreams, they're hot, they're cold, the covers fell off, missed me, they don't remember or they needed to tell me that they had to pee.   Whenever they wake me, they crawl into bed next to me (never next to my husband) and I'm too tired to move.  Therefore, I am now sleeping squished between a child and a husband until mercifully my husband leaves the bed to give us some space.  Sometimes, if I can manage some movement at 3 am., I'll walk my child back to his bed, both of us falling asleep in his room, waking up two hours later, returning back to my bed until the next child comes in.  The musical bed game begins again.

 

 

Eating

Non Kvetcher: “My child eats everything.  He eats beautifully – broccoli, cauliflower, Kiwi.  He may be getting a little picky because he doesn't eat as much spinach as he used to.  He loves steak and can't wait for our next salmon dinner.”

WHAATTT!  She has to be lying – please fess up.

 

Kvetcher: (Me) My kids are horrible eaters!  They haven't eaten a vegetable in 5 years.  Even when they were babies they would spit out those Gerber mashed peas – not a pretty sight.  Fruit – well they do eat fruit roll-ups.  They basically eat the same thing everyday – Trix cereal, grilled cheese and spaghetti (no sauce).

 

 

 

Travel

Non Kvetcher: “Our vacation went perfectly. Everything went so smoothly.”

Excuse me, can I just slap your pretty little face?

 

Kvetcher:  It always sounds like a good idea to go away for a family getaway.  Yes, I am full of complaints when I return.  Why? My kids have motion sickness – as in throwing up motion sickness.  I can't count the number of times I've been barfed upon – by air, by land and by sea.  The worst is on a plane.  If the child does  not make it in that little bag, which they never do, they just turn to mommy and do their thing.  You are then the recipient of an infinite amount of dirty looks from all passengers withing smelling distance.

 

Visiting A Museum

Non Kvetcher:  “The kids loved it.  They behaved, walked quietly, and absorbed so much information.  It was a wonderful learning experience.”

 

Kvetcher:  “The kids whined for 4 hours, ate their museum cheese sandwiches costing $19.50, and visited the museum gift shop - the place to buy useless souvenirs costing $38.00.”

 

Food Shopping

Non Kvetcher:  “I take my kids food shopping all the time.  They're not a problem at all.  In fact, they love to help.”

 

Kvetcher:  It takes me an extra two hours to take the kids along when I shop and I can't get out of the store without buying Skittles, M&M's and Yu-Gi-Oh! cards.

 

Bedtime

Non Kvetcher:  “I read my little ones a bedtime story, turn out the lights, and they fall asleep like angels.”

 

Kvetcher:  We start with a story, water, a trip to the bathroom, a tissue, humidifier, socks, and then they need their songs.  The performance begins with Twinkle, Twinkle and continues with The Muffin Man, This Land Is Your Land, You're A Grand Old Flag, and my personal favorite is The Lion Sleeps Tonight. By that last verse, I am sleeping along with my kids.  That Da Dum Dum DeWaaayyyy part really knocks me out.

 

Summary

In the end, the truthful ones will outlive the ones who choose not to tell the real tales of their woes.  Kvetchers will be around much longer to complain and annoy – but at least we will know we're the honest ones.  We have a clear conscience so we can have a good night's sleep -er - well- maybe not a good night's sleep....

 

 

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