Walking to my car the other day I overheard an over the top conversation between a mom and her two children that literally made my mouth drop open!
A 4-ish looking little girl yelled out, “Tom’s sticking his finger in my face again!”
Without missing a beat, mom angrily said, “Tom, do it again and I’ll cut it off!”
The slightly older brother, sarcastically replied, also without missing a beat, “Go ahead, I have 9 more!”
It’s easy to see that those words were over the top and that Mom didn’t address the situation at all.
Parents say things to their children all day long without really thinking about it. Then they wonder, “Where did this come from?” when he throws a tantrum, begins a power struggle or says something offensive.
That’s what this ProActive Parenting MINI-seminar will briefly explore: How words can begin a tantrum or a power struggle. Here are three examples to show you what I mean.
1. “Stop crying and go to bed, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
Most parents say that hoping the words will magically stop the crying and fear. However, those words seem to have the opposite effect, instead of calming things down, things tend to get worse.
2. “We’ll see.” or “Maybe later.”
Let’s be honest here, parents say things like this all day long hoping that by saying “maybe later” their child will forget about the request and Mom won’t have to say “No” and deal with her daughter’s disappointment or anger.
3. “I’ll deal with you when we get home!”
When a parent says this, does it begin the teaching process,or does it simply cause a child to fear what’s coming?
Each of the three statements above is vastly different, yet they have one thing in common. Each statement is intended to hopefully put the child off until later, stopping any resolution from occurring right-here and right-now, and doing that creates a problem for both parent and for preschooler.
Why?
“Preschoolers are in the preoperational phase of their development, they don’t use logic, they see the world through magic and egocentric thinking”, says Dr. Spock. The developmental stages from 2-7 tend to cause them to only focus on what’s happening right-here and right-now as it applies to me. They need information to help them understand what they can’t see.
Here’s a perfect example.
It’s your preschoolers first Halloween and her brother accidentally rips her new costume and she becomes hysterical. She thinks her costume is ruined forever, and she doesn’t calm down until she sees that Mom has fixed it. She doesn’t fully understand, even though she hears the words, that it can be fixed until she sees the evidence that it has been fixed, that’s right here- right now preschool thinking.
So when parents don’t address a situation right-here and right-now, hoping it will magically go away or be forgotten, the preschooler can easily misinterpret the situation thinking no resolution is coming, which can cause a tantrum or cause the child to think, “Oh her mind isn’t made up yet, so let the negotiations begin” and you have a power struggle on your hands.
Now you can see that when you don’t address things right-here, right-now, it doesn’t stop tantrums and power struggles, it actually increases them. So what’s a parent to do?
The solution is: parents need to dive into the emotions versus trying to put the child off until later hoping it will all go away.
Let’s go back and look at the original situations this piece began with.
1. “Stop crying and go to bed, there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
The solution requires a parent to address the fear head on and ask, “what makes you scared and what can we do to stop it?” THEN, parents need to be very quiet and let the child talk; helping her with suggestions only if she has none. This begins showing her a valuable life long lesson. It shows her she can find the solutions to her problems all by herself.
One of my children discovered he needed a flashlight and a branch cut down that looked like “the claw”, my other child figured out he needed company to make his mind quiet, so he choose music to lull him to sleep.
2. “We’ll see.” or “Maybe later.”
Not addressing a request is the perfect set up for “Let the negotiations begin!” and no parent wants that! To solve this, simply tell the truth and say “No.” This does two things. It stops negotiations, teaching him that “No” means “No.” And it teaches him how to live with disappointment.
3. “I’ll deal with you when we get home!”
Dealing with a situation right-here, and right-now does NOT mean you have to correct your child in front of others. Calmly take her somewhere else to address the situation.
Two others things could occur if you wait until you get home to correct her behavior.
a. By the time you get home she may have forgotten what happened and create a huge power struggle as you re-address the situation.
b. If you lecture all the way home, so she doesn’t forget and threaten punishment as soon as you walk in the door, she may become so filled with fear she melts into a tantrum.
This piece just skimmed the surface, and offered three very short tips to help you manage some of the big emotions preschoolers have.
Sharon Silver is the founder and director of Proactive Parenting, an on-line seminar company sharing new ways to discipline preschoolers without going straight to punishment. ProActive Parenting offers in-depth, detailed MINI-seminars on a myriad of topics parents deal with each and every day, including two new version of timeout for preschoolers.
Go to www.proactiveparenting.net (notice .net) to learn more about the solutions. Thanks for reading and Happy Parenting!
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