I’ve just lost my oldest sister. She passed away Dec.24 after being a stroke victim for five years. Even though we knew that after the stroke she was never the same, the final phone call was nevertheless very difficult. I’m the youngest of the four sisters--me, Aileen and Nat in Maryland and Beverly, who lived in Charleston, South Carolina.

Beverly was a beautiful woman, caring, loving, gentle with, as our niece described her, a child-like innocence. She saw her family, especially her sisters, through rose-colored glasses. Her nieces and nephews were like her children, her brothers-in-law, her brothers. We were the best. To us, she was the best.

I must confess over the five years when many times we almost lost her, I thought about how I would handle the shiva period. I knew I would honor her memory but did I want to have services in my home since I would be sitting alone?  Or would I just go to services with my husband at shul?  I understand the process and need for shiva, the need to be near others but I have mixed feelings emotionally. When my Mom passed away 19 years ago, my sisters and I sat shiva together, we had the support of each other. Lots of people came for services and of course, when lots of people get together there is laughter. I remember walking upstairs in my sister’s home, not wanting to hear the laughter. How could they be happy when my heart was broken? It hurt so to lose my mother. And now, I had to make that decision about shiva at my home for my beloved sister. My husband said he would help no matter what I decided and be there for me. My Rabbi and Cantor felt I owed it to my friends to let them be supportive. So, after sitting in Maryland first with my two sisters, we returned home for two  more nights of services.

I made the right decision, with help. Most of my friends had met my sister at bat mitzvahs, weddings. They had been loving and supportive during the emotional roller coaster ride of the past five years. I realized I needed them to be with me to know how special Beverly was and to say good-bye.

We still go to minyan morning and evening and will continue for the thirty days. Does it make the hurt go away? Nothing can do that but it does make me feel closer to her. We were always so close, hours on the phone, visits to my home. I’ve missed her terribly for the past five years. I’ve missed those long talks with my big sister and now, I will miss her for the rest of my life.

May she rest in peace, with no more pain.

With best wishes,

 

Buddee

 

By the way, if you have any questions, or have ideas for something you’d like me to write about, email my daughter and she’ll tell me (I’d say to email me, but…well…let’s just say I’d won’t be giving advice on how to use a computer.)

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