The Countdown
by Karen Maes
T-21! Everyday while I am at work all I think about is what I can be doing if I didn’t have to work. The Bar Mitzvah is 21 days away so why am I not sitting here working on all the things that still have to be completed. The list gets longer every night at 2 AM when I wake up with a bazillion things running through my mind. Just look at the notepad. Look, I am 44. I don’t sleep through the night to begin with. This joyous, glorious occasion is depriving me of even less. It seems like only September when I was reserving the reception location. All of a sudden it is upon us. Why am I nervous? I don’t have to lead the congregation. I don’t have to chant Torah or read my D’var Torah. I am queasy just thinking about it! What I do have to is coordinate everything around my son Kevin’s most important day. Oh, and did I mention I am in Fredericksburg, Virginia? Jews are few and far between and Kosher is a thing from the movies. In fact, the golf course banquet facility has never had a Bar Mitzvah celebration before. Their Open House for active contracts was a Bridal Open House. But being the good Jews we are, we walked around, took business cards and ate! Oh, did I mention I was on a budget? HA! Budget schmudget! I am within a few thousand dollars of my budget. For all the pitfalls of not being in my hometown of New York City at least this won’t be a prewedding! Caterers have to be taught to prepare Kosher style. Guests from outside the congregation ask “What do we wear to a Jewish Church?” Thank goodness for the internet. I have ordered all the chatchkies, invitations, decorations and kippot on line. No one appears to play tennis here either, except for Kevin. He wanted a tennis theme. I can’t even find tennis shorts here for his Junior Development League. But, for the Bar Mitzvah I searched and I searched and I now have all testosterone themed tennis chazerei you can think of.
My folks are coming along with their “clique”. The three other couples I grew up with and have come to think of as my alter-family. I love them with all my heart. All of their kids went through life experiences together. But, on top of everything else I have to do, Mom informs me I have to entertain them since they are coming down from NYC. Hello, did the invitations not say Bar Mitzvah? What else, a cabaret, Bunko or the all traditional Mah Jongg??? Oh, you mean at my tiny townhouse after the big event? You know who lives with me? Kevin, 2 dogs, a leopard gecko and every now and then, my college senior daughter. Does anyone really think I have enough plates to serve these folks? And don't get me started on seating. My mom calls with a laundry list, as though I have no clue what to do. What is she most worried about...can we go to Costco to get knoshes to host “the clique”
What about the Bar Mitzvah boy? He is the most amazing, awesome kid. He chanted his first three Aliyot perfectly the first time he opened the scroll in practice. His greatest fear, the seamstress with the sharp pins aiming directly for the inseam of his gray trousers as we cross another item off the list. I think he is traumatized. Never since he was potty trained has he had anyone futz with his pants. How does he release stress? Tennis and xBox 360. I knew I should have learned those video games. He seems so peaceful.
Will we get through it? Of course. I just have to get my daughter back on a college research excursion, get each of us a dress, shoes, create programs, order the cake, challah, wine, coordinate with the cantor, talk to the DJ, call those who have not RSVPed, get Kevin’s tallit, and BREATHE. Wish me luck…see you on the Bimah!
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