Judaism is a wonderful way of life! Our celebrations are endless, from births to holidays to weddings and more. But it seems that we have been chosen to celebrate one event again and again, and it is a specialty to the Jewish people….the Bar and Bat Mitzvah! Our daughters and sons, nieces and nephews, granddaughters and grandsons all turn 13, and it’s time to share and celebrate this simcha. When your child reaches this age, you are suddenly faced with services and parties multiple times in a month, and G-d forbid you have to decide between 2-3 in a weekend!!! Are there any rules of protocol for “The Chosen People?”
First, let’s talk about the teens. Suppose your child receives 2 invitations for one day; how do you choose? This can get sticky if the kids are all friends, so handle this as diplomatically as possible. If your child has already responded “yes” to the first invitation, it is very poor etiquette to cancel (or not show). Most invitations are sent out 6-8 weeks in advance, so if you suspect that there could be a conflict, don’t return the response for a week or so (not too long!). Second, let’s say that your child is invited to 2 parties of 2 close friends on the same day. If it is necessary to split the party times to avoid hurt feelings, let the host know if your child will not be seated for the main meal. Third, let’s talk about clothing! Boys have it easy….a few different ties and dress shirts, and they are set. If the invitation is Black Tie or Black Tie Optional, it is not always necessary to wear a tuxedo; check with other parents first. Girls will try to convince you that they need a new outfit for every party, so plan ahead. Buy a few short dresses, a nice suit, one or too long dresses, or perhaps a long dress skirt that can be accessorized. And the shoes? They kick them off and put on socks, so don’t break the bank on designer styles!
Now to the parents….how many B’nai Mitzvahs can you attend in one month? Of course, this is a personal decision, as you have been honored with an invitation to a special occasion. A few facts: this is the celebration of a Bar or Bat Mitzvah, so it is appropriate to attend the actual service and not just the party! And, send the response card back in a timely manner. Holding the response card too close to the deadline creates tremendous stress on the host who is trying to figure out where to seat you at the reception! You may also face being invited to multiple celebrations in one weekend, and the same rule applies for teens and adults: if you must attend more than one event, inform the host of the reception if you cannot attend the main meal…it is a significant waste of money if you are not seated (and the people at your table will talk about you!). And the all time “What to Wear” question….. what is “casual Elegance?” Savvy adults know, but here’s a general outline: a slightly dressier version of what you would wear to a really nice restaurant on a Saturday night (and NO jeans).
If you are parents who have young children, check with your friends/family to see if a sitter service is available at the synagogue during the service. If not, and you need to bring your children, it is perfectly acceptable in most congregations, but be prepared to move them out quickly if they are disruptive….it is not okay for them to make noise during the service (and it always seems to happen when the B’nai Mitzvah are chanting or speaking!!!).
So, the year of your child’s Bar or Bat Mitzvah, clear you calendar, brush up on your dance steps and current music, and buy multiple Mitzvah cards! And just think, it will be at least 10 years before the wedding circuit begins!
Next month: "The Gift"
Sheri Freedman
Two's Company, North Potomac, MD
301-279-0928
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