At the neighborhood gathering, conversation revolves around Bar Mitzvah stories. You mention a funny incident that happened at your child's Bar Mitzvah, and a neighbor responds, "I don't remember, because I wasn't invited!!!" You slink away and wonder.."Why didn't I invite her?" and start to stress over who to invite to your next child's Bar or Bat Mitzvah. Jewish guilt (we all grew up with it!) can challenge the most logical reasons to cut your list, so here is a sensible guide to help create a meaningful guest list.
First and foremost, remember that the B'nai Mitzvah is about your child and the guest list should reflect this fact...family, close friends, adult mentors, and of course, top of the list are the kids! Your thirteen-year old may become an adult in the eyes of Jewish tradition, but he or she is still a kid who wants to share fun times with peers. These are the basic facts, but let's break it down further...(and set a reasonable budget with some flexibility...you'll need it as the list grows).
Family--how far down the family tree is appropriate? There are no right answers, but common sense rules. Before you decide not to invite the second cousin once removed because you haven't spoken in 2 years, consider the long-term impact of that decision. Will you share future family simchas together, and will you regret not inviting this cousin because of a difference of opinion or to save a few dollars? Before you eliminate family, take a good look at the general list.
Friends, Neighbors & Co-Workers--Closest family friends can be as important as family to your child. Neighbors can fall in to the same category as good friends; if they play a role in your child's life, they have a place at this life cycle event. Just do not feel obligated to invite the entire street! And co-workers, unless they are very close friends, tend to be more of an obligatory invitation than a meaningful guest addition for your child. Keep it simple and do not invite co-workers or employees who do not have a personal relationship with your child. In all cases, be sensitive enough not to share your event planning traumas with people who did not make the list.
Teachers & Coaches--If your child has a special relationship with a tutor, music teacher, counselor or coach who has made a significant difference in his or her life, it is important to include them in this important milestone.
Last but not least...THE KIDS! The kid's list includes cousins, school and religious school friends, sport teams, clubs, neighborhood and family friends. Your challenge is to convince your child who is really a friend...it is amazing how many "new" friends pop up when the invitations are mailed! List closest buddies first and then focus on relationships that have developed from the other groups. Some private schools have an "all or none" policy for invitations, so take this into account. Family friends and neighbors could have children of varying ages that unnecessarily add to your guest list, so if you can follow the policy of "this is a celebration for 13-year olds" and stick to it, you will have fewer young children and bored older teens to entertain.
These are basic guidelines to help you realize that you do have options, but your guest list is as personal as your life. Try to keep it in perspective. Read a wonderful book about the B'nai Mitzvah experience: Putting God on the Guest List, by Jeffrey K. Salkin. And if you really cannot make a decision, pick a date, call a travel agent, invite your immediate family and travel to Israel for the ultimate B'nai Mitzvah experience!
Sheri Freedman
Two's Company, North Potomac, MD
301-279-0928
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