Unfortunately this year, we've had three close friends who've experienced a death in the family.  As a result, I had my first experience making a shiva call.

I didn't know what to do.  I knew I was supposed to go, but wasn't really certain what to say or what to do.  So, as always, I called my mom and asked.  Then I went. 

And I was glad I did.

Was it easy?  No.  It's not supposed to be.  Our friends were in tremendous pain.  It was heart wrenching.  But, the act of making a shiva call helped me feel like I was doing something to ease their burden.  I was also overwhelmed by the beauty and sensitivity of this tradition.  Making a shiva call truly assures that we do not mourn alone.  At a time when it must be so easy to retreat and be alone, shiva surrounds us with community.

Here's what you need to know:

If you are coming from the funeral, wash your hands.  There should be a pitcher of water, a basin and a towel provided.  Do not say the blessing over the washing of the hands.  Try to brush off the dirt from the cemetary from your shoes.  This, as well as the hand washing, stems from the Biblical belief that contact with the dead makes you "impure."

If you are not coming from the funeral, try to come at a time during the minyanim.  These are the services held in the morning and evening when the mourners may recite the Kaddish (prayer for the dead).  However, there must be ten adults (past bar mitzvah age) present in order to say Kaddish.  In an Orthodox home, only men will be counted for minyan.  This is a very brief service and truly a mitzvah to attend.  The minyanim will be conducted in the home where the mourners are sitting shiva and you can learn what time by calling the mourner's synagogue.

You will not need to ring the door bell or knock.  The mourners are not to be bothered with answering the door.  Simply walk in.

Bring or arrange for food to be sent.  Mourners are not allowed to be bothered with preparing food.  Many kosher delis or restaurants can prepare trays to be delivered.  You can send chicken dinners or a tray of lox and bagels.  You can also bring a box of ruguleh.  Call ahead to the shiva house.  A family member or friend will be in charge of arranging for food.  Ask her what is needed.  When you bring the food in, bring it to the kitchen and ask whomever is there if you can help set things out.  You may want to attach a card so the mourners will know who brought what.  It is not really appropriate to bring candy or flowers.

What do you say?  This is always the hard part.  But, you can be honest.  Simply say "I'm so sorry for your loss.  I really don't know what to say, but I want you to know I am here for you.  Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you during this difficult time."  The mourners know you don't really know what to say.  What can you say?  Know that just being there speaks volumes.

While shiva is a time to connect, it's not a party.  Speak in respectful tones.  Use the time to remember the deceased--laugh at the happy memories, cry at the loss.  This is not a time for gossip.

Don't stay too long.  This is a difficult and exhausting time.

If you'd like, it's nice to follow up with a donation to the synagogue or appropriate charity.

Remember, we will all be in this position at some point in our lives.  We will all need our family and friends to remind us we are loved and not alone.  We will need other adults with us so we can pray Kaddish.  As part of the Jewish community, making a shiva call is not only a mitzvah, it is our responsibility.

 

 

 

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